Molly Smith Metzler's "Elemeno Pea"

HI.
IT’S SHANNON.

That whole opening thing seems to be a theme, doesn’t it?

ANYWAY. This week, I will be posting something altogether different from last week, since variation is the name of the game… except for, you know, the (mostly caucasian) young-chick thing I can’t do much about. So in an effort to change it up, I’ve got a contemporary comedic piece:

ELEMENO PEA

by Molly Smith Metzler

The play takes place in the course of two very eventful hours in the lives of Devon and her sister, Simone. Simone, an aspiring writer from outside of Buffalo, New York, has ascended from the lower-class world into the absolute top echelon of society -- Martha’s Vineyard. At the opening of the play she is working as the personal assistant to Mrs. Peter Kell (but we can call her Michaela), the (tenuous) second wife of a millionaire. Simone has brought Devon with her to her guest house on the Kell’s Vineyard estate for a long-overdue girl’s weekend, but Devon starts to question what aspirations and integrity Simone might be compromising for the substantial “perks and benis” of her position. Sure enough, Michaela herself bursts into the guest house and crowds the room with issues of her own, frantic about the possibility of losing her husband and his money (which she has signed away in their pre-nup). She even goes so far as to offer Devon money to cut her weekend with Simone short and leave the estate, because she “really needs Simone right now.” Michaela’s presence, as well as the presence of Ethan, Peter’s friend and Simone’s boyfriend (also, a salmon-colored-pant-wearing moron), turns Simone into someone Devon doesn’t recognize and Devon holds no punches in telling her so. Michaela’s underlying secrets come to light, including the consequences and cause of her husband’s ire: Peter has imminent plans to divorce Michaela for aborting their son after she discovered the child would be born a dwarf. The play ends in Simone severing her contract with Michaela (now all but destitute) to leave with Ethan and give up her dreams of being a writer. Devon and Michaela adopt a hesitant truce in allowing Simone to make her mistake.

The character WE’RE looking at today is

MICHAELA

This monologue is Michaela’s entrance, which excitingly enough means we don’t actually have to know much about her (other than what she tells us in the speech) before attacking this piece. Key to the monologue is that she’s talking to Simone, her best friend/personal assistant to whom she has gifted the guest house for the weekend. It’s the weekend after Labor Day, which to Michaela means that the seasons are changing, bringing on a great sense of melancholy. She and Peter had gone to counseling to work out the issues brought on by the abortion and had apparently improved their strained relationship, but it’s my interpretation that though Michaela’s fear of abandonment by Peter is the desperate kind of fear people tend to deny, she knows their divorce is coming — which raises the stakes of Peter’s abrupt departure from the airport that much more.

And… that’s pretty much it!

Here’s the monologue!

(I had scheduling problems with recording this week so this will be a little late but I don’t want to keep this monologue from you so here you go!)

MICHAELA: Phil wouldn’t take the jet out until the fog cleared, and Peter got all Peter about it and said he would therefore drive himself back to the city in his stupid Jaguar to which I said “honey, the fog is supposed to clear in less than an hour, why don’t we just go to Rafaella’s for oysters and by the time we’re done, it will be perfect” to which he said, “why do always try to take my balls?” and he slammed my car door shut and peeled out and left me standing there. I’m nauseated, can you get me some ice for the back of my neck?

SIMONE: Wait… I don’t understand, he?

MICHAELA: Yes! He left me at the airport. Just standing there on the tarmac with Phil and our packed jet. It was totally humiliating. I just turned around and started running.

SIMONE: (nothing about this lady is athletic) You… ran?

MICHAELA: Along the beach! Can you believe it? Totally exhilarating. I went up to the top of that lighthouse and shouted FUCK YOU PETER!! And then I kept running.

SIMONE: You ran here from the airport? That’s like six miles, Michaela

MICHAELA: I know! I know! I didn’t know where I was even running to. I just pounded the sand, you know? And then I got your video, and I couldn’t tell what the video was saying without the sound, but it seemed like you were inviting me over and so I thought, yes, I’ll pop by the guest house and I see now that it’s a good thing that I did because I specifically DID NOT WANT WHITE.

SIMONE: Let’s just slow down, okay? What’s white?

MICHAELA: (pointing to the flowers) I asked for blue! Blue hydrangea. Labor Day’s over! I said to the florist over the phone, I said, No White! If you give me white… if you fucking give me white… and did she listen Simone?

SIMONE: ...No?

MICHAELA: NO! I obviously should have done the flowers myself but for some asinine reason I thought it was more important to accompany my husband back to New York because for some asinine reason, I actually thought I… I thought we… (breaking) … And he just….

SIMONE: Okay Michaela, let’s take a big big deep breath.

MICHAELA: Why don’t I have any shoes on? I’m losing my mind now….

SIMONE: You’re not losing your mind, Michaela. Your shoes are on the floor by the door, see? You took them off/when you came in -

MICHAELA: (crying) And my makeup’s a mess now and I don’t even have my makeup bag. All my stuff is… who knows where? In the jet, I guess? I don’t even…

SIMONE: You have extra makeup bags in/all of the cars --

MICHAELA: We have to text him. Will you text him from your phone and tell him that you haven’t seen me? I want him to worry about where I am -- I want him to think I was abducted by sailors.

SIMONE: Absolutely, we can text him later. But right now you/have to calm down --

MICHAELA: Who does that son of a bitch think he is to peel out and leave me standing there with our pilot?! I am premium pussy! Isn’t that what that psychic told me, Simone?! Isn’t that what she told me? She said, YOU ARE PREMIUM PUSSY, MICHAELA!

SIMONE: You are premium pussy, Michaela! That is what you are!

DEVON: Okay. Simone? I’m… gonna find something to say now. I… am speaking.

(beat. Michaela acknowledges Devon for the first time since she’s entered.)

MICHAELA: (with formality and warmth)  Oh my God, Devon. You must be Devon. Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, please forgive me. (formal, taking her hand) I’m Mrs. Peter Kell, but you may call me Michaela. On behalf of Peter and I, welcome to Martha’s Vineyard.

--

As you can see, this monologue is actually a scene that I’ve basically cut another character out of -- creative license on my part, but Michaela is so focused on her own story the whole thing has a pretty good flow to it, and I think the monologue as a whole is hilarious. Michaela has another good one (angrily refuting Devon about the abortion itself), and Simone and Devon both have pretty good ones, so if you’re interested in what you see here, check it out! And as always, if you decide to give this piece a go (read the play first and), please comment below with a link of it! We’d love to see your interpretation!

This has been

SOMEONE MONO-BLOGGING

and again,

I’M SHANNON

ENJOY!